Bon Voyage

The excitement is palpable (whatever that means) as the departure nears for the women in our lives to set out on a road n' sea trip...


Has the world yet heard the exciting news
'Bout the ladies’ imminent ocean cruise?
There will be no men -
Only estrogen!
Might the ship flounder with all those shoes?

Y'all cheer, “Let’s go! Be rid of the guys!”
As you sail on toward azure blue skies
Old Salts have a ball
At each port of call
With plastic in hand for cheap Mexican buys

Vodka tonics, Margaritas and rum
Will assure there’s no end to the fun
Stewards kept busy
Keepin’ gals dizzy
‘Tween ports while at sea, you’ll always be numb

Diets forgotten at endless buffet -
Soaking up sun before evening Soiree!
Ogling teen pool boys...
Viewin’ men as toys...
Raising a toast to the “American Way”!

Hurricanes, Grasshoppers, Mojitos -
Ease burdens and lighten those sorrows
But don't shed that dress
If you drink to excess
Just what surprise might you likely expose?

Then, off to the beach for a surfside splash
Draining ev’ry purse of any last cash
Your wild cougar pack
Just need not look back
Despite scalding burns from each Hot Flash

Then back upon land you'll return
Drained by liquor, the sea and sunburn
Captured memories...
Dozens of stories...
And perhaps next year, it’s the guys’ turn!

Aging is Relative

Happy Birthday to Albert!



As we celebrate Mr. Einstein's 130th birthday today, we should briefly take note of just how often he acted his age...

Furthermore, I offer my simplest of tributes:

To the man who spurned convention
As he described the fourth dimension
I raise my beer stein
To good ol' Einstein
And for his "timely" comprehension

What the heck, here's a chaser...

According to Einstein's great theory
Light itself can never grow weary
Though they're faster than all
Photons may never stall
For their speed is not arbitrary

Navy SEAL Pup Workout

The US Navy is now training younger recruits by encouraging more physical fitness in their first months. Click on the montage below to view an action-packed slide show of this 5-month old!


Just like her Big Sis, Hallie-Looya
Little Sophie is ready to show ya
That this SEAL Pup
Did her first push-up
No doubt her first word will be Hooyah!

Next Limerick

So, the joke needs to have the natural flavor of a limerick by being off-color with a twist, so this one meets the criteria:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Some elaboration later and voilà:

A misogynist cabbie was grooving
Past a lass who yelled "Pig!" at a curving
He answered her, "Bitch!"
'Fore his crash in the ditch
Since the hog in the road wasn't moving

Limericks du Jour

I began my limerick-in' by targeting some classic family jokes such as this one that mocks the geek who takes a solicitation from a naked co-ed rather literally:

An engineering student was walking across campus with a shiny new mountain bike when he was approached by a friend, also an engineering student. The friend said, "Hey, where'd you get the great looking bike?"

The first engineer replied, "Well, i was walking across campus the other day. This beautiful woman rode up to me on her bike, ripped off all her clothes, laid down on the ground and said 'Take anything you want!!!'"

The second engineer replied, "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway!"

The challenge is to take the key components from the prose and introduce each in proper order with a good rhyme and classic metric:

Some girl on two wheels; nude as a tyke
Challenged me to “Take what e’er you like!”
Well I pondered a bit
Saw her clothes just won’t fit
So I’m riding this pretty new bike

Another joke...

Hypocrisy is not change...

We hear daily of the Media's drama
'bout this new Camelot of Obama
Is he Kennedy's encore?
Or Honest Abe once more?
Seems we've 'lected the Dalai Lama!

Celebrate Lincoln's 200th Birthday this year with a study of his doppelgänger, our new president, Barack Obama who...

...claims that America's greatest moral failure is the lack of care for its (poor) citizens... but ignores his personal failure to care for his own family members despite his personal wealth.

...claims that the underpayment of women is criminal, ...but he discriminates by paying women just 78% of the men's salaries on his own Senate staff!

...claims that Americans must lower our thermostats for the common good of the world, ...but actually keeps his office well above the 72F level he condemned!

...claims that no lobbyists will play a part in his 4-yr administration, ...but granted an ethics waiver to a Raytheon lobbyist to be Deputy DoD Secretary.

...claims we have a moral obligation to stand against Walmart's employment practices, ...but his wife earned $100,000 as a director of a major supplier without any complaints.

...claims every American has a right to health care, ...but votes to exempt the children who survive abortion.

...claims "the defining moment of our age" is his introduction of Socialism to America, ...but Reagan coined the phrase to celebrate an end to Communism!

...claims that the races should form a united America, ...but attended sermons preaching against white America for 20 years.

...claims his father was a goat herder, ...but he really was a priviledged, well-educated youth with a government job.

...claimed that America must not betray its fallen soldiers by letting the Iraq war fail, ...but now insists upon unconditional withdrawal.

...claimed during the campaign that his rivals' gas-tax relief plans were bad policy, ...but voted 3 times in the Illinois Senate for a temporary suspension of the state's 5% tax.

...claims that corruption in government must end, ...but has accepted $150,000 from indicted businessman, Tony Rezko.

...claimed to be the only candidate not accepting lobby money, ...but he received over $2Million from them.

There are just so many more deceptive and misleading misstatements!

H. L. Mencken is quoted as having said, "The government consists of a gang of men exactly like you and me. They have, taking one with another, no special talent for the business of government; they have only a talent for getting and holding office."

The Lombardi Trophy is Steel

Congratulations to the greatest team in NFL history upon their victory (through a very tough game to defeat a very good Cardinals team). Fans like us are always proud, but it sure helps to have more records to brag about!

The Pittsburgh Steelers' greatest tricks
Encourage me to write limericks
As an ode to Big Ben
And his team of sharp men
For Superbowl win number six!

A Fuzzy Peach Mint

In light of the first day of impeachment for Illinois' "Embattled Governor" (as the news media like to say, when they have a victim on the ropes), I want to share an inspired verse written last month when the fun was still fresh!

The news is full of Blagojevich
As his critics reach a fevered pitch
Two Jacksons and Duckworth
Buying a Senate berth
Thought all they need do is make Rod Rich

Thanks Rod, for the muse, the Chicago-style corruption, and that hair! As said on the Daily Show, "apparently this man has nothing to hide, except perhaps, what is written on his forehead."

Four Winns 180 Freedom

The latest news is that I am now a Sea Captain. It runs in the family as my Norwegian great-grandfather was a sailor (who died when I was about 4 years old, but I surely remember his wooden leg very clearly!) Perhaps, I shall soon have one of those too (more on leg trouble later). Also, another great-grandfather was an Army Captain (is that close enough even w/o going to sea?). How do I garner such a title, you might ask? Well, I am now the owner of a sea-worthy vessel of course. Yes, my first boat!! There is nothing like having the Winns at your back whilst cruising the open sea!

The Wicks family has had a boat (used for skiing, fishing, tubing, and meandering) for over two decades, but she finally gave out (she was a fine ship), so a replacement was sought and discovered by Cheryl's brother, Scott, who recently drove across NY (with his fishin' son, Thor) to conduct an inspection and declared this 17 year-old to be a fine adoptee, so the new addition to the family is coming home soon. There will be a slight delay until she is proven to actually float (since the rivers, lakes, bathtubs, etc are frozen over till June).

Thor, who has recently visited China (and has learned many important skills in negotiating retail transactions) was assigned to get the optimum price. He did his best, but unfortunately for me, the dealer failed to understand Mandarin at all! Officially, I get to play the role of "Texas Financier" in this adventure, but the Sea Cptn (honorary) title comes w/ the $$. Scott gets to possess the boat, but has the responsibility for repairs, insurance, maintenance, and storage. I get to bash it upon the rocks once a year to break off the propeller... We each must apply our God-given talents where we can!

The first boat was purchased by C's parents (Dar & Hal) and was a fine craft, but was the sort of expense that eclipsed getting anything else that might be considered superfluous. Thus, she was christened as "Dar's Diamond". To mimic this romantic feeling and perpetuate the myth, our new vessel has a modern and appropo nom-de-fleuve...

I am a man of copious luck
As captain cruising 'mongst wind and duck
Aboard the yacht
That I have bought
Now christened as "Cheryl's Tummy Tuck"

Just to provide the details, she is 17'1" (every inch counts!) in length with a beam of 7'3", weighing 2280 lbs (that is more than 8 of us!) and sports a 175 HP V-6 engine. Enjoy the pictures of our darling new baby! Time for me to learn my port from my starboard and how to tie a bowline...

Beer Can Appreciation Day

There was a time I suspected that the abundance of Appreciation Days was excessive... until today that is! Write your Congress-person and lobby to add National Holiday status for this great day...

An ode to the one I hold so dear
My well appreciated can of beer
You cannot hide
That froth inside
So I'll drain one out this time of year

First Day

Another fun tool from the Wizards at Google is at hand, so I will add my small bit to the Terabytes flowing into the global ether. The challenge is to add to the 'Net more than just ASCII text and disk storage, so wish me luck!

Everyone and their proverbial dog
Make daily posts to an online blog
So why not me
I'll have to see
If my pup and I keep you agog

Yoshi says "Happy Reading!"